Unmotivated, part II

I find I'm still as unmotivated as I was a couple of weeks ago, only now I sense some self-doubt and desperation creeping in. I'm thinking for whatever reason this is a by-product of having too much time on my hands. The self-doubt is sneaking in across all aspects of my life. Sure there is the usual "Am I doing enough for Sam?" worries, but add to this some other stuff. For example, I'm working on a genealogy case that is, at the moment, stalled due to lack of information. I'm waiting for replies from queries to notoriously slow and often non-responsive agencies to hopefully propel me forward. My client has already contacted me, looking for an update. Cognitively, I realize that she probably just doesn't get how slow things in the genealogy world move (these people are, after all dead for years and will remain so!), but part of me takes it as an indication that maybe I'm just not up to the task at hand. I don't like the thought of failing to find something for my client, especially since I'm being paid. Another cognitive thought I have about all this is that I know that I'm good at what I do. I know that if there is something there to be found, chances are very good that I will find it. I just always worry that maybe this will be the time when I can't find anything, and of course if that happens I'll be thinking it is my fault for not thinking of the one thing in a million that would supply the answer I'm looking for. I can see that it's probably like that with my pursuit of help and opportunities for Sam. I'm entirely self-taught in that area as well.
I just got done reading Susan Senator's book "The Autism Mom's Survival Guide". The points she makes in it are excellent- things like knowing how to take care of your needs so you can be fresh and prepared to deal with your child, giving yourself a break for not being the expert all the time and needing help and guidance. The thing that she wrote about that most struck me was that she felt her attitude toward her son was the thing that made her life most often the toughest. During the times that she saw more of the autism and less of her son, she found the going tougher. When she could sit back and just appreciate the things her son had to offer, and not look at him through the eyes of the rest of the world, she was happier, and so was her life overall. I have to believe that I'm guilty of that crappy attitude thing. Although my main focus is usually trying to figure out what I can do to help Sam, I realize that probably I'm not spending enough time just living life. I have to remind myself at least 50 times a day that it's ok if he's not playing baseball, or riding bikes with other kids, or even asking to have anyone come over. These are experiences that many children have, but not all have them at the same time, or at the same place. It's not fair for me to look at Sam through glasses meant for how my experience was, or through a telescope that reflects some other kid's desires. I need to stop worrying about what ISN'T and embrace the great things that ARE! Wish me luck!