Peace on earth, just not at our house

I'm not feeling very merry this holiday season. It seems like I'm going through the motions, doing what I always do, not really enjoying it or loathing it, just sleepwalking. I find my mind is consumed with doubt and worry at the moment, and I don't quite know how to let the joy of the season push the other stuff out of the way. Everywhere I'm seeing the word "PEACE"- on cards, in ads, in holiday displays, and that's something I'm not feeling, but really long to.

I'm worried about our family. I'm worried about Sam struggling, which is nothing new for us, but now something else has crept in- my attitude has gone from bad to worse, and Tom is really stressing out. Bad days at school, inappropriate language at home, huge disproportionate blowups over seemingly insignificant things have left us feeling beaten up and defeated. Like nothing we try and no strategy we use seems to have any effect. It's like I see Sam slipping away right in front of me, and I don't know how to stop it. I feel weary from constantly "tweaking" things. For maybe the first time in 8 years, I'm wondering "Why me?" What did I do to deserve this kind of life?

Everywhere there are images of perfect families enjoying the holidays. They are in the cards I receive, in TV commercials. My friends' kids are singing in concerts, playing in ball games, writing out lists to Santa. My kid cannot even regulate himself enough to be in the same room with another child without blowing up. We've had two disasterous playdates this week. My heart is breaking because I see Sam shoving people away with two hands. I'm VERY thankful for the support of my loyal friends who hang in there with me, even when the going gets rough. I'm wondering how much more of it I can take. I fear that Sam's life will be religated to living with Tom and I forever, hanging out in his room because he has no friends, no job, no prospects.

What I want to know is, when does all this RDI, ABA, any other therapy kick in? We see flashes of it, but when the chips are down and learned skills should be put to good use, they go out the window, and we are back to square one. I feel as hopeless as I did during Sam's kindergarten year, only now it's worse, cause I feel like so little progress has been made from all this hard work. I know that there will always be setbacks, that life is really one step forward, two steps back. I usually am able to accept the situation for what it is. I'm usually able to see the silver lining in everything, and usually able to see the positive affects that Asperger's Syndrome has had on our lives. I'm looking for the strength to get to that place again, and wishing for a little peace this holiday season!