Incidents like what happened tonight at the library make me realize how hard it is to exist in the real world sometimes. Sam was excited to go and see real live rats at the library. (the pet kind, not the wild kind) It was actually a program meant for older kids to discuss "Charlotte's Web" and someone from a local pet store was bringing in pet rats. I was hoping to just go in, peek at the rats, then head home. Well, we ended up sitting through a portion of the program, and Sam was very excited and wanting to touch and be up close. I managed to hold him off pretty well and to his credit, he did ok with waiting and even sitting and listening. (when I say he did ok here, you have to picture what "ok" means for Sam. I'm sure its nothing like what would be acceptable for most kids, but for me since he didn't just take off after the rats immediately and could be managed through verbal prompts for a short time, that was a success story) Anyway, when it came time to be able to touch the rat and feed it a sunflower seed, it got to be too much for him and he pinched the rat (kind of on the scruff of the neck like you would a cat) and then proceeded to scream at it a couple of times. Of course the thing was petrified, but luckily the handler had control of it. I'm sure she and everyone else in the room was disgusted by Sam's behavior, but I didn't stick around to find out. We left immediately.
I've gotten over the whole thing about how people react when things like that happen. They don't live my life or even know what it's like to deal with our issues, and frankly for the most part I don't care what a stranger's opinion is. I know the people who were there who know us will understand and probably feel sympathy for us. That's all that counts.
The one thing I'm still struggling with is my reaction to the situation. Somehow it doesn't seem appropriate to just not react at all (as if I could manage that!), but also blowing up and making a scene isn't the right approach. I guess what I'm getting at is that now I feel like my reaction has more to do with how bad I feel about his inability to handle things, than it has to do with being embarassed or disappointed that things like this often end in disaster. I'm reacting to the frustration that I feel when he can't do and experience things the way most kids can.
I don't know what else to do but to keep trying. It's like getting thrown off the horse and having to keep getting back on. I guess I shouldn't look at it as one day we are going to a program and it's going to be a complete success, perfect from beginning to end. I need to look at it as a process. Small things get better each time. Maybe I need to be able to pick up on cues better- know when he's not gonna be able to handle something and react before the problems occur.
I suppose I'm only human. I hope that each time we try something a little risky that the outcome is going to be a positive one. Maybe I just need to pick out the positives in each experience and learn from the negatives.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Reflections on my "career"
Just some thoughts since it's Mother's Day......
I have to say the the years since Sam was born have been the happiest of my life. Before his Asperger's diagnosis, things went smoothly along, and our family life was very happy. I've always said if only Sam didn't have to go to school, things would be so much easier. But, I know this is not reality. Despite the difficulties we've encountered with school situations, I can't say things are "normally" bad. Most of the time we just plug along like any other family. Once in a while we hit crisis mode, but I guess this is probably the same for anyone.
I enjoy being a mom. I sometimes wish things could be easier for Sam, but this is the only thing I would change. I only rarely feel like things get too much for me to handle, and when those times come up, I try to take care of myself so I can recharge and go at it again. Many times when I'm faced with a tough battle, I find I get motivated more to find a solution. With things so up in the air due to school situations at this point, I find myself wondering if things will ever even out and we'll get into a groove that will work for everyone, or if things will always be a struggle.
As his mother, I know I'm biased, but I think Sam is a great kid. He has a unique way of seeing things,which I find fascinating and in some ways, inspiring. He enjoys new experiences (even though he won't even try pizza!)- he's always up for a car ride to somewhere. He likes animals, hiking, reading, drawing. He loves to write books. There are probably 50 of them laying around the house right now! The stories are about his friends in school, cartoon characters, or animals. He almost always puts himself in the middle of the action. He has a stubborn streak, often refusing to do things when asked. I've always tried to think of ways to make him want to do the things he initially refuses to do. I've been pretty successful with that. Sometimes it takes many repetitions to get something turned around. For example, I'm in the third week of giving him a list of chores to do on a Saturday morning. He is still resisting doing the chores, but he is asking for the list before I have a chance to make it! He has a kind heart, and so far, aside from the frustration that school has brought, I don't feel like his self-esteem has been too damaged by his so-called "disability". He even enjoys school! I recieve far less grief from him sending him his kindergarten class than I ever did when he went to preschool.
Finally, I honestly feel like advocating for Sam has got to be what my "career" was meant to be. I never felt motivated enough through the years to pursue a field that would get me a job that meant something (to me or anyone else). I often felt a little odd being an educated person who chose to just work at menial jobs and let her husband support her. So many times in the past I couldn't see the importance of something I was doing. Now I realize I had a very important task on the horizon. I'm glad and thankful to be able to devote the time I have to making sure Sam succeeds. For the first time in my life, I feel a committment to something that is long-term and rewarding. The pay may not be that great, but I'm motivated by the simple fact that I can't afford to fail. This has already caused me to move out of my comfort zone, to contantly have to re-evaluate how I relate to the world, and to adjust my attitude to everything.
No, there really isn't anything I'd change about my experience being a mom!
I have to say the the years since Sam was born have been the happiest of my life. Before his Asperger's diagnosis, things went smoothly along, and our family life was very happy. I've always said if only Sam didn't have to go to school, things would be so much easier. But, I know this is not reality. Despite the difficulties we've encountered with school situations, I can't say things are "normally" bad. Most of the time we just plug along like any other family. Once in a while we hit crisis mode, but I guess this is probably the same for anyone.
I enjoy being a mom. I sometimes wish things could be easier for Sam, but this is the only thing I would change. I only rarely feel like things get too much for me to handle, and when those times come up, I try to take care of myself so I can recharge and go at it again. Many times when I'm faced with a tough battle, I find I get motivated more to find a solution. With things so up in the air due to school situations at this point, I find myself wondering if things will ever even out and we'll get into a groove that will work for everyone, or if things will always be a struggle.
As his mother, I know I'm biased, but I think Sam is a great kid. He has a unique way of seeing things,which I find fascinating and in some ways, inspiring. He enjoys new experiences (even though he won't even try pizza!)- he's always up for a car ride to somewhere. He likes animals, hiking, reading, drawing. He loves to write books. There are probably 50 of them laying around the house right now! The stories are about his friends in school, cartoon characters, or animals. He almost always puts himself in the middle of the action. He has a stubborn streak, often refusing to do things when asked. I've always tried to think of ways to make him want to do the things he initially refuses to do. I've been pretty successful with that. Sometimes it takes many repetitions to get something turned around. For example, I'm in the third week of giving him a list of chores to do on a Saturday morning. He is still resisting doing the chores, but he is asking for the list before I have a chance to make it! He has a kind heart, and so far, aside from the frustration that school has brought, I don't feel like his self-esteem has been too damaged by his so-called "disability". He even enjoys school! I recieve far less grief from him sending him his kindergarten class than I ever did when he went to preschool.
Finally, I honestly feel like advocating for Sam has got to be what my "career" was meant to be. I never felt motivated enough through the years to pursue a field that would get me a job that meant something (to me or anyone else). I often felt a little odd being an educated person who chose to just work at menial jobs and let her husband support her. So many times in the past I couldn't see the importance of something I was doing. Now I realize I had a very important task on the horizon. I'm glad and thankful to be able to devote the time I have to making sure Sam succeeds. For the first time in my life, I feel a committment to something that is long-term and rewarding. The pay may not be that great, but I'm motivated by the simple fact that I can't afford to fail. This has already caused me to move out of my comfort zone, to contantly have to re-evaluate how I relate to the world, and to adjust my attitude to everything.
No, there really isn't anything I'd change about my experience being a mom!
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