5am reflections

I can remember when I started getting up at 5am on school days.  It was the waning days of Sam’s middle school career, in May or June 2015.  It was one of the those times when the stress in the house was thick enough to cut with a knife.  The comfort of a predictable school routine was about to be upset, half of our house was packed and put in storage, and one potential house deal had gone down the tubes, incurring significant financial outlay.  Our home of 24 years was about to go on the market, and the future was uncertain.  How long would it take to sell?  Were we making the right move to Guilderland?  Was the school going to work out for Sam?  When would we ever find a house we wanted to live in?

All of these thoughts made sleeping difficult, so by the time 4:30am came around after hours of tossing and turning, a cup of coffee on my front porch seemed like just what the doctor ordered.  That porch became my sanctuary during those mornings in May and June 2015.  The coffee, the rockers, the sight and scent of flowers (everything looked ship-shape because the house had to have great curb appeal to sell), the birds quietly chirping, it all added up to a little bit of piece in the midst of chaos.  I believe those mornings helped me retain my sanity, and somehow come out the other side in a good place.

Fast forward 4 years, and I am still rising at 5am on school days.  For the most part, the chaos has moved on, our home is stable, beautiful, and just what we wanted.  Sam has had the most successful 4 years of school ever.  The early rising time still means peace and tranquility to me, a chance to read, or plan menus, or organize my weekly “to do” list.  Enjoying the first cup of coffee of the day in a quiet house grounds me, and helps me to focus on whatever tasks I have on the agenda for the day.

The last days at GHS are here, and maybe the last days of rising at 5am for me.  As Sam becomes more independent, he will be getting himself up, getting ready, and heading off to HVCC on his own, driving!  My presence won’t be required.  In some ways it’s hard to let go and have the feeling of being less needed, in other ways it’s something to rejoice about.   It’s the end of this era of Sam’s life, leaving public school and heading out on the first steps towards being an adult.  I can remember some days in the last 18 years that I thought would never end, some times of stress that I thought I could not get through.  My 5am strategy helped me weather a few of them.  Though I may not make a regular habit of rising early in the future, I know it will be there if I need to fall back on it.     

April 2, 2019
Another World Autism Day!  Only 4 years since my last post!  Really pathetic that I've let this go for so long.  I guess the lack of posts can only mean one thing- success!  As I reviewed the last post I did about leaving middle school, I have to correct myself.  At that time, 6, 7 and 8th grade truly were the best school years.  They've been replaced by high school!  To say the last 4 years have been a resounding success would be an understatement.  The reality has far exceeded my daydreams.  Packing up everything and moving back in 2015 was one of the best things we ever did, for all of us, but especially for Sam.  His experience at GHS has been stellar in so many ways, and his personal growth has been exceptional.  The trajectory started back in elementary school has continued and there is no reason to believe it will stop now. 

First, the school.  I can't say enough good about GHS.  They welcomed us before we even had a house in the district.  Representatives from the school attending his 8th grade IEP meeting set a tone of teamwork and cooperation that has continued to this day.  He's graduated from special ed classes to all Regents.  He passed all of his Regents exams and made National Honor Society.  He's been involved in everything from Unified Sports to Guilderland Players to Media.  He's anchored the school news, spoke at the fall pep rally & for ESPN, educated teachers and camp counselors about autism.  All of the teachers and staff he's encountered have been great, many of them outstanding.  The kids in school like him, and subscribe to his YouTube channel.

His personal growth has been phenomenal.  One thing he recognizes is that he is a work in progress- there is always something he wants to improve, and he works hard at doing it.  He has gone from being self-absorbed to self-aware.  He seemed to become aware of his behavior around peers just when it really started to count.  The lightbulb also went on as far as school work and effort.  He's seen the benefits of getting involved, earning good grades, and giving back to the community.  He made his own choice in what he wanted to do for college and is handling a large part of the preparations for it.  He has held down a couple of jobs during this school year, and has shown a lot of responsibility and dedication.  He's learning to drive, something he is not that thrilled about doing but is grudgingly accepting.  He has done the things he wanted to do in high school, whether there was a friend to do it with him or not.  This was something I struggled with as his mom, but he has gotten huge benefits from striking out on his own.  This skill will serve him well when he gets to college and beyond.

We wouldn't be here without family and friends.  The people who supported us when things were hard are now still here cheering along with us.  I remember thinking way back when that failure was not an option.  Thankfully we surrounded ourselves with people who lifted us up and gave us the strength to keep going and never give up.  The connections we made at places like Friday Knights, Camp Spectacular and STRIDE gave us a community of people with some similar experiences.  Our old friends supported us even if they didn't fully understand all we were going through.  Our families have always been there in so many ways, loving us and Sam unconditionally.

This journey isn't over, just moving to a new phase.  Every few years we arrive here, and every time we look in the rear-view mirror, we see experiences that have gotten better and better.  It gets harder and harder to leave the situations that have brought so much growth and satisfaction, but there is comfort in knowing that this time it's a transition that everyone is making, has made, or will make.  I honestly could not have imagined when I started this blog back in 2006 where we would be now.  I probably was too scared at that time to even dream about it.  A long-time friend and work colleague of Tom's (and a parent of a 20-something with ASD) once told us Sam would be ok in the long run.  I can see now I should have listened to him and believed!