Most of the time I'm ok with the fact that essentially what I do for a job is be a stay-at-home mom. I feel quite lucky to be able to have this kind of life- to at least have it be a choice. But every once in a while I get antsy. You know, too inside my own head, too wrapped up in my own world, too consumed by my own feelings of worry and self-doubt. It's a weird kind of feeling that I can't describe very well. Like something is wrong, but I can't quite put my finger on what it is. Really what probably is wrong is that I have too much time on my hands. People who are gainfully employed rarely have the luxury of fretting to the extent that I do. They simply don't have the time for it. Their main focus is to keep on keepin' on- to not lose momentum or fall off the wagon- it would be too hard to catch up. I guess I've spent a lot of time cultivating a life of "leisure". Really instead of peace of mind and time to enjoy the slower things in life I sometimes think I've gained not much more than time enough to worry about the things I'm NOT doing. NOT earning money. NOT meeting new people and establishing new connections. NOT helping others or making a difference in the world. NOT doing enough to help Sam. It seems like the more empty my time is, the more I feel plagued by self-doubt. I guess guilt has a way of seeping in whenever there is an empty space.
When times like this happen, I wish I could go to a place where I felt more secure. Cognitively, I know that being at home to take care of Sam's needs is the most important job that I could have, and anything I do is helpful. I guess one always feel like they can be doing better. I just wish I could give myself credit for having the kind of life that I chose!
